You’ve been hanging out for quite a while now, and you realize that the best way to probably express how you truly feel for him would be to write about it. So you waste your time thinking about everything you’ve been doing, how he makes you feel, and what you want to do in the following weeks that you would hopefully be spending together.
It’s been months since you met and you find yourself undeniably attracted to this guy. He may not be the best catch but something about him just draws you towards his entirety. The way he makes you laugh. The way you can be yourself around him and not care. Just pure fun and care.
You enjoy how you can be so hasty and reckless together and it leaves you in awe because you’ve never experienced that kind of joy. You play around. You share secrets. You tell stories. You randomly hug each other from behind, kiss, and hold hands. You plan things together. You discuss your dreams. You think about the future.
Everyday, you find yourself waiting for him to contact you. You religiously check your phone, hoping that it’s him who texted and feel disheartened when you realize that it’s only your network operator reminding you of your cellphone bill that’s due the next week. You long to be with him everyday. It frustrates you how you can’t be together all the time. Constantly, you ask why he has to leave when he could actually spend the night with you even if you have errands to run in the morning. All you wish is that you two were closer. To be symbiotic.
You really like him, and you can tell he likes you too. Everything seems better when you’re together but at the same time, feels like a chore for you want to prolong your moment together and buy yourself more time in his company. In each other’s company. You insist on doing more things together no matter how tired you are- no matter how early you have to wake up the next day. You just don’t want to go home yet. You just don’t want to feel the agony of having to miss him when you know to yourself that you miss him enough already just knowing that at one point of the day, he is going to have to leave and go home.
You reach your house. Go up the stairs, into your room, and collapse in your bed. You reminisce about how good your day was and look forward to the next. To the time when you actually get to be with him again.
Fast forward. What used to be such a consistent streak becomes blurry. You try to work your way around the situation. Trying to get a good grip on the entire thing. Struggling to read what he’s feeling. He’s colder now. Time becomes even more limited. And you find yourself all alone- yet again.
You wonder what you’ve done wrong. Why there’s no one by your side. Trying to make you happy. Giving you want you want. Taking care of you. It frustrates you how despite your efforts to maintain such a good relationship with him, with someone, it always leads to you living your life on your own.
You know to yourself you deserve something better. Yet you also realize that maybe you’re just not cut out for that. That you’d be better off alone than with someone by your side. But at the back of your head you still ask, “Why me? Am I not capable of being loved in return like others?” Every single day of your life.
All you want to do is burst into tears and shout the pain away. Your frustration, so intense, feels like no one in the world would understand. You know life isn’t too complicated yet why are you going through this alone. Why, despite your efforts to communicate with others, do you still console yourself every time you are struggling and fix things alone.
(via gotwisdom)
#199
LC-A, Lucky Color 200
Greetings from the land of the rising sun!
The weather’s a bitch and I miss my friends but what the hell, spending time with the family has never been this good. It sucks that I only get to see them once or twice a year considering the fact that they live miles away from me. But yeah, I’ll be spending the rest of my summer break here so horray for that!
